Black coffee tear.

She always knew love stories don’t have a good ending.

She ‘s never seen one anyway. Feeling numb as she did all these years was nothing compared to the insecurity of loving deeply and not feeling loved back.

She always depended on herself and one good friend that she had. Never liked to talk about personal matters with him though. Muttering and opening up not her style. The last year her world came tumbling down. Everything she always considered to have under control in her life just melted away. She managed to keep it together, most people don’t. Her parents’ divorce, father going to jail for debts, brother disappeared abroad. Then the rejection from her work, the one think she gave it all to. She never shed a tear, not in front of anyone anyhow. Not even her closest friends knew her whereabouts. When she thought of that about herself, she felt like a hero and one minute after she would feel pity for herself. Never understood why. Psychoanalysis was not something she ‘d like to throw her money away to.

Today it was a good day. One with no surprises. It was calm and quiet. One of these days that just flow, giving you that feeling that God may finally be on your side and smiling down on you. The Queen of days, the one that makes your heart beat fast and promises everything you dreamed of, can be pursued. That’s the day she was having, and wondering whether someone from the office had slipped anything on her coffee. She always had her coffee on one of these heat protective containers. She just loved hers. Kept her coffee warm all day and that kept her going.

What a day she thought! The sea was so calm you could almost curve it with a knife. She was driving and listening to her favorite track list. The sky was so clear. Just a cloud here and there, to break the sweet monotony of the blue. Just so you can tell which one is up and which one down.

Oh my God I must be high, she thought to herself. She had a very clear recollection of all the times in her life that she felt that way, she even remembered the days. When she was 7years old, 15^th of August watching an eclipse on the beach with her father. The second 15 years old, winters day on her birthday, when everyone left the house, her mother lit a fire and they shut in the living room watching their favorite movie eating leftovers from the party. 21 years old 13^th of  May first time she appeared with her music band live as a support group for a major rock band. 25 years old 1st of May when he kissed her . And  today…

But how can this feeling be today? Was it a compensation for these two past years of blackness. Could it be that the soul’s equilibrium of  the right analogy of happy and depressed had been compromised so deeply that a superwave of joy had to burst in to restore the damage?

She thought of him for the first time without feeling remorse or bitterness. She felt she had forgiven him and all the sweet love she ‘d ever felt  came back and filled her soul like the universe had put back in place that piece of her heart that was stolen. That mirror pain that amputated people feel, finally seized.

She felt like crying and laughing at the same time.  She only managed to laugh out loud. She had repressed her spontaneous need to cry so much that she had lost the ability to do so. She did not mind. With her personality, she thought, if she hadn’t achieved to repress it she would have spend the last two years with swollen eyes. So embarrassing…

But now she could feel the heat and the pressure going out of her heart reaching her lungs, pressing on her chest so hard, making her cheekbones red, even reaching up to her eyes burning and  burning her tear ducts so hot… all she wanted was that sweet release, the salty water running hard down her face. She needed that so bad, it was finally time. But she could not.

And then the song came.The one they used to sing  together in their most happy times. That song never played on the radio. It was an old song, few people their age knew about. She needed to get out of the car,  thought her heart would break if she did not get it out of her system. 
She hit the car brakes as hard as she could, as if she was trying to scare her feeling away. Half of her coffee spilled on her dress,  the rest making a big mess of her car. It was that time she nearly felt the feeling was abandoning her, that it was all a lie. The perfect day, the universe compensating her for the last two years, God smiling down on her. All an illusion...

She looked herself in the drivers mirror. A tear shaped drop of coffee had shut just below her eye, rolling down her right cheek.

And then she laughed and then she laughed some more and then she cried and then she cried her black coffee heart out.